Last night I had horrible dreams. At one point, I couldn't move, or open my eyes for half a minute. I thought to myself "Oh, a dog must be laying on me, because I can't move." But the more I struggled, the more I realized that my body was causing this episode.
My heart rate increased, but I knew that shallow breathing would only worsen my situation. I calmed myself down, and after what felt like hours, I woke up.
The following dream felt like an intervention.
I went into a house of someone who I've been intimate with since August. There isn't much of a relationship behind me and her, just going to a few concerts and hooking up. I was at her house. This guy she's about to date shows up behind me, and I decide to step out of the room.
When I step out of the room, they're gone. I was wondering why I was even brought into this situation. I keep on running to find an exit, but the house seems to perpetuate itself. I run into the same rooms, over and over again, and I get nowhere. I'm trapped and I can't get away of how jealous I feel.
The most hypocritical part was that I emphasized that I didn't love her, and suddenly, I feel jealous? I'm such a fucking hypocrite, and I'm the only person who can point that out. That has been my biggest fear.
It's not that I can control my emotions.
All I can do is let go now. Even though I never really had her. There's other people. "Hell is other people."
For months I've felt that time is always running out. There's never enough time for me. I'm never enough for time.
Maybe that's why it lasted,
why I couldn't see past it,
I hooked up with this girl
who crashed it.
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