Brutalize Dreams and Matricide

For a considerable amount of time, I've felt depressed, but for 9 months, I've had horrible dreams.

These dreams consist of being brutalized by ex-lovers and interacting with people I no longer associate with.

I feel sick. These dreams are too much. I am sick.

Mornings I wake up, and I live in the same place. A place of complete static and utter lack of any innovative instinct to change itself. Imprisoned.

The dreams consist of rape, pressure, negation, neglect, and abuse.

I'm tired of feeling depraved and raped.

I try not to dwell on my emotions, but how can anyone control this internal force that sucks the life out of all other, less significant emotions and all brightness.

I understand why I feel pain. It's the control and motivation to change it. Throughout the day, I feel like an emotional puppet and someone chooses whether or not to despoil my consciousness using trigger words.

I oscillate between calm and complete worthlessness.

I need different dreams. I need images of calm and pleasant ideas, where I no longer feel subjected to lack of control and an onslaught of distressed situations.

I need help right now, if anyone knows what to do or say, I would love your insight.

and losing sleep adds so much time
the days can drag my bleeding mind
into a state of jagged shock
that twists and winds but never stops
and dreams are memories as well
and some of them read just like hell