A few weeks ago, I decided I wanted to be a figure skater. Satanic sequins in all. I swear, I'd get so laid, you don't even know.
As promising as a goal like that is, I realized that figure skating is simply not enough. Last night, I ate nine sticks of string cheese.
It was at that moment I heard the calling: Cheese Connoisseur.
I could spend the prime of my life at a skating rink, with only the ice and a Zamboni.
Below the rink, I could store my cheese: Parmigiano Reggiano, English Farmhouse Cheese, Roquefort, Brie de Melun, Mahon, Oregon Blue Vein, Hooligan, Gorgonzola, Calcagno, Cabrales, Teleme, and Saint-Marcellin. Among various cheese that no one, not even I, have ever heard of.
I could write an autobiography, Curdle. It would be turned into a movie, co-starring Paul Giamatti, and I could sleep with the Asian girl.
I would be the Ray Davies-Dave Davies front man of the Rinks! A Kinks cover band!
I could write about my relations with the French mob, and how they managed to preserve a type of cheese that derives from the milk of an African Wild Ass.
Honestly, how could a book like this NOT sell?
The back would read:
Dave felt separated from society, his family, and his companions in his adolescent years. It wasn't until he was choking himself for sexual pleasure did he flashback to being a child on the ice.
Destined to become a figure skater, he gave up his depressive lifestyle to follow his dreams in Alaska. However, he struggles reaching Alaska in a much more difficult journey than Alexander Supertramp ever faced. Shit man, Henry David Thoreau would come back from the dead and sign this book. The point being is that Dave, although facing the adversity of those who 'support' him, managed to overcome his struggles. Winning the figure skating Olympic Gold Medal of Honor for Three Consecutive Winter Olympics, a void was created.
Dave did not want to be the Satanic King of the Ice for long. After meeting the greatest cheese maker in the world at a BDSM club, he discovered the true meaning of life.
Follow Dave, a modern era James Dean, fight against the police, grizzly bears, and the ghost of Louis Pasteur in the greatest performance of Ice Skating-Cheese Making that easily bested the Miracle on Ice.
Thank you for your support, friends, my life's journey starts today. Well, fuck, I'm busy until mid-June. I'll start then.
“How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?”
Charles De Gaulle
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