For the record/Diagnosed

For the record:

I am not a 'believer' or 'follower' in Satan. He's a myth. Whatever. I don't do things for him. "Hail Satan" is a joke. It's counter culture. I don't believe in Satan.

Here's my 'belief'

Diagnosed:
 
I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It's always been clear on this blog. Now it's incredibly frustrating:

1. The initial response was that I was going to kill myself at the mentioning of suicide seemed radical. 
2. Being constantly asked "Are you sad?" and "Are you lonely?" really made me feel sad and lonely.
3. Promising everyone I'm going to be safe.

Now I just feel angry. I knew it was always around, but I thought I was just a little off. Constantly hoping it would fade away, I just let it reside. I feel disgusted when I show my emotions to others, it's humiliating.

Questions are driving me insane.

The worst fears I've had became reality:

1. My family discovering this without my consent.
2. Feeling like a sick person to my family.
3. Generalized lack of understanding with most people.
4. Not being able to be alone.

There was more, I just can't think.

Telling everyone about my suicidal thoughts and personal issues I wasn't ready to divulge felt like being violated. Feeling pressured to speak, especially about issues I do not want to caused stress. 

It was always prevalent, but now that I'm diagnosed and being evaluated, the 'symptoms' are amplified. I have a disorder. I can't write right now, I'm too busy being reminded of all the medications I'll have to research and therapy I'll have to go through.


I can't write anything well, give me a few days.


The crushing pressure weighing down upon my weary back
The tedious routines of day to day poise to attack
The poisonous pollution and the pointlessness of care
And in a blink we blow away to dust upon the air